I haven’t read enough to know
to know if
we actually are
those people
in fur coats
explaining why we have our breakfast at strip-clubs
or just a brilliant illusion
a composite of features:
great tits
a hard cock
ten grand a month
an unobtrusive driver
a black day
I need to remind myself
I wanted this
I wanted to be cruel
to engage in these sorts of cruelties
to pursue unmitigated violence
I wanted you to feel unsafe
or at the very least
unusual
and it worked
giving me a rich feeling of satisfaction in my daily life
in all aspects of my life
in fact
when I left several used condoms under your sheets
and wiped my vibrator on your hand towel
I found myself able
to enjoy even the most mundane functions
of my day job
etc
but today
(today)
nothing fills my heart
I don’t feel safe, either, if it makes you
feel any better
this day has just been an avalanche
of disappointment
